Almost all of those who suffer from Depression contemplate suicide, even if they never consider it seriously.  Suicide is often seen by those with no understanding as the wish to die, but those of us who understand know it is just the wish not to wake up to another day to fight unbearable pain.  Or, unable to look into the future and see a life without the Darkness and not feel swallowed by it without hope. 

This Darkness is very real and very scary.  If you feel that you are at risk of not being able to fight anymore please get help.  The most important thing right now is you can’t be alone.  If it’s an option for you, call someone you know and love.  Call your therapist.  Call your best friend.  Go next door to a neighbor.  Don’t be alone.  If these options seem overwhelming to you – Call a hotline.  Call 911.  You’re reading this, you’re still fighting and you’re not fighting alone.  You are not alone and there is help to get you through this minute and the next hour and the next day.

Some tools that have helped me in my Darkest moments worked for me, with practice.  But we’re not one size fits all, I put them out there in hope they help 1 person.  But if you feel you can’t be alone, you need to listen to that first and call, text or find someone.

If you can, put the Depression in a trunk, a big lockable mental trunk.  Tell it that you’re not ready for it now.  It can come back. Next Tuesday is good and you’ll be more prepared, but not now.  It can have next Tuesday (or whatever fits better in your schedule).  You’ve blocked out the afternoon and prepared a comfy rug on the floor so you can curl into the fetal position and cry for 3 hours, or just stay in bed, whatever it wants.  But not now.  Now – it has to go into the trunk.  Now – you’re not ready for this and you need it to just reschedule.  It’ll get it’s time.  But not now.  Now – in the trunk – go.  Go.  Lock the trunk.  Distract yourself.  Go for a walk, a run.  Go to an animal shelter and find a puppy to pet.  You get the idea – just take the control back, just for now.  Next Tuesday, you’ll be in a better place to pull it out of the trunk.  If it won’t wait until Tuesday, then 2 hours.  Just get it in the trunk long enough to regroup.

I had a very Dark day – it came out of nowhere and I was not prepared.  I had been in remission for months and it was chemical trigger due to some medication I had taken and all of a sudden I was back in the darkest of my Depression.  I could not call anyone because I didn’t want to believe this was real and calling someone would acknowledge the reality, even as I knew I wasn’t safe to be alone.  I pulled out every tool I had learned – starting with stuffing it in the trunk and systematically going through every other self-care option I had.  The next week, I had finished a poster board that hangs on our wall with string woven through it to hang 3×3 cards on it which I’ve written things that give me strength.  The 3 subjects on the top of what to share got me through that day.  Things I’m grateful for, Memories I use to conjure my Patronus, Before I die I want to… https://beforeidieproject.com/

What are your happiest memories?  If you’ve read or seen Harry Potter, another way to think of this is what do you use to conjure your Patronus?  Bring out your strongest, happiest memories and let them wash over you.  Remember that you’re capable of joy and happiness and that you may not believe it now, but you will feel that way again and it’s worth it to stay for that. 

Before I die I want to…  https://beforeidieproject.com/   Check out this site, this project and these walls.  I challenge you to read the story, some of the walls and responses and not be inspired to feel like something in your life is left unfinished.  You may not have the energy, interest or motivation now, but it will come.  Write something down.

Gratitude.  I looked back over the period since my Depression began, and found so much to be grateful for.  I met people through the eyes of the Darkness, that I never would have otherwise, who have become so close to me.  We have shared pain and joy and strength through having someone who has been in the Darkness as well.  To be able to just say, “yes, you understand” is a comfort words can’t express and deep friendships, family has been created through that for me.  To be able to be there for someone else is a gift and a responsibility, because now, we’re more linked to this world.  But also, I looked back on the worst 2 years of my life and found joyful moments and reasons that I was happy to be alive.  If I could find those in the worst times, then I was prepared for these next awful moments in order to get to more of those joyful moments in the future.  And to remember my responsibilities to those that need me.